So, remembering how I thought PhD isn’t going to be intense makes me laugh now. Maybe not the PhD itself but the whole life I am trying to fit it in. In the last two months, I have traveled from Istanbul to Ankara seven times. I have gone two times to the far East part of Turkey and I have gone to Germany and back. Organizing an English Speaking Course 6 hours a week, doing children’s science workshops for a nearby museum, and proofreading scientific articles in science education, while keeping up with the homework, assignments, proposals, and exams was not easy.
Again, on a train back home to Istanbul, I reflect on all that has been happening in the last 2 months – since my PhD began. I feel like I live on the road and sleep in a different bed each night. But even though I have probably never been this busy in my life, I have a certain sense of purpose I never experienced before. I am living a full life, even if I have to deal with great amounts of anxiety at times.
Anxiety has obstructed me from living my life to the fullest for a very long time. Even though I am doing a PhD now, it took me almost 10 years to finish my 4-year Bachelor’s degree. And no, it was not (only) because it was an objectively hard matter (Physics,duh) to master, but also because, unbeknownst to me at the time, I dealt with mental illness. I used to judge myself for failing years and seeing people to who I explained a certain subject matter to pass and graduate, while I just slipped into more depression, eating disorder, and anxiety. It was not only a matter of “willpower” after all… I had an incredible support system, parents that love me, and no financial worries and I just couldn’t “make” myself fulfill my potential… I felt a particular sort of lonely, while simultaneously feeling like I don’t have a right to feel lonely. By being vulnerable I learned that my story is not unique, but not a lot of people will talk about it. I want to share my story; in the hopes it will reach the ones that might need it.
But now I want to focus on the stuff I felt particularly grateful for in the previous 2 months. From the top of my head, the 3 things I am grateful for are my friend Amina, my family, and my boyfriend. Amina, for holding an open space for me to be able to process my feelings in real-time; my family for reminding me how far I have come and my boyfriend for being my safe harbor. I am able to run from one city to another, one end of the country to the other, and from one country to another. I am able to not obsess about the little things and to be in the now. I can rest when there is time for rest. And that is all, in a great part, thanks to the people I can lean on.
As a person dealing with anxiety, it was always hard for me to have faith that things will work out and not to catastrophize. But that started changing by the way of being fully present in the situations that cause me high levels of anxiety. It is incredibly scary, but I get through it somehow, not very gracefully mind you, and then when reflecting on it I say to myself: look it wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be. And a little infinitesimal amount of faith sprouts in me. I can do this life thing I say to myself. It will be fine, even if the worst outcome does happen. We are all more resilient than we think.
In my next blog post, I will talk about my procrastination, what I observed in myself and what I had (don’t) deal with. Hopefully, I will not procrastinate 2 months on writing on it (pun intended).
Phd lemonade 