Phd lemonade

So, remembering how I thought PhD isn’t going to be intense makes me laugh now. Maybe not the PhD itself but the whole life I am trying to fit it in. In the last two months, I have traveled from Istanbul to Ankara seven times. I have gone two times to the far East part of Turkey and I have gone to Germany and back. Organizing an English Speaking Course 6 hours a week, doing children’s science workshops for a nearby museum, and proofreading scientific articles in science education, while keeping up with the homework, assignments, proposals, and exams was not easy.

Again, on a train back home to Istanbul, I reflect on all that has been happening in the last 2 months – since my PhD began. I feel like I live on the road and sleep in a different bed each night. But even though I have probably never been this busy in my life, I have a certain sense of purpose I never experienced before. I am living a full life, even if I have to deal with great amounts of anxiety at times.

Anxiety has obstructed me from living my life to the fullest for a very long time. Even though I am doing a PhD now, it took me almost 10 years to finish my 4-year Bachelor’s degree. And no, it was not (only) because it was an objectively hard matter (Physics,duh) to master, but also because, unbeknownst to me at the time, I dealt with mental illness. I used to judge myself for failing years and seeing people to who I explained a certain subject matter to pass and graduate, while I just slipped into more depression, eating disorder, and anxiety. It was not only a matter of “willpower” after all… I had an incredible support system, parents that love me, and no financial worries and I just couldn’t “make” myself fulfill my potential… I felt a particular sort of lonely, while simultaneously feeling like I don’t have a right to feel lonely. By being vulnerable I learned that my story is not unique, but not a lot of people will talk about it. I want to share my story; in the hopes it will reach the ones that might need it.

But now I want to focus on the stuff I felt particularly grateful for in the previous 2 months. From the top of my head, the 3 things I am grateful for are my friend Amina, my family, and my boyfriend. Amina, for holding an open space for me to be able to process my feelings in real-time; my family for reminding me how far I have come and my boyfriend for being my safe harbor. I am able to run from one city to another, one end of the country to the other, and from one country to another. I am able to not obsess about the little things and to be in the now. I can rest when there is time for rest. And that is all, in a great part, thanks to the people I can lean on.

As a person dealing with anxiety, it was always hard for me to have faith that things will work out and not to catastrophize. But that started changing by the way of being fully present in the situations that cause me high levels of anxiety. It is incredibly scary, but I get through it somehow, not very gracefully mind you, and then when reflecting on it I say to myself: look it wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be. And a little infinitesimal amount of faith sprouts in me. I can do this life thing I say to myself. It will be fine, even if the worst outcome does happen. We are all more resilient than we think.

In my next blog post, I will talk about my procrastination, what I observed in myself and what I had (don’t) deal with. Hopefully, I will not procrastinate 2 months on writing on it (pun intended).

It’s the end of the first week of my PhD In an attempt to record my experience while it’s still fresh I write my first blog post on a train ride back home. The weird nostalgia for something I don’t even know hits me slightly.

The campus is the same as I remember it. I haven’t been a student for a hot minute there. It feels good to be in a student role again – my comfort zone. But it’s not really like being a regular student, isn’t it? Those from bachelor’s are in a completely different world. Even if they don’t know it, they had only scratched the surface of the academic experience. That is how it’s supposed to be though. The sense of community and student life is usually at its most vivid during the bachelor’s. Most of the students I am taking classes with are from master’s studies. Grad school, grad school but different… They complain about the number of readings they need to do. There’s this anxiety related to the master thesis research and writing. Some of them no doubt think about whether to continue onto PhD But it’s a different continent of the grad world – master studies. As someone who was a master’s student only half a year ago, I can attest that it’s a world of difference being on a PhD compared to a master’s.

I am not a research assistant or any type of employee at the Uni I am doing my PhD at. Long story short – international students are not allowed to work as anything lower than a professor position in the governmental Universities in Turkey. Do I think it’s unfair? Yes, but I also knew that going in. My focus will be on learning the most I can and being the best at research I can be.

After attending 6 classes this week I am beat. Even though I will be taking on only 3 classes they have quite an intensive workload – a lot of readings. Yes, PhD students also complain about readings too.

I felt oddly alone in my experience this week, but even more so calm? I guess since I did my master thesis during the pandemic, alone in my room and survived I am not afraid anymore. But it’s only the beginning and I expect stuff to get more intense in any case. One thing is sure though – I am beyond excited.